Sometimes He whispers, and sometimes He shouts.
There are days when motherhood leaves me raw. To the bone.
It's not necessarily one particular thing that has overwhelmed me lately. It's the dozens of daily teachable moments that in aggregate weigh me down.
It's my preschooler-singing-wake-up alarm at 5:45 am.
It's the rock collection I find in the pockets of the shorts before I can put them in the washing machine.
It's making sure I call the vet between the hours of 10-12 or 4-6 because that's office hours.
It's assuring the 3 year old that she doesn't have to shout every time she speaks.
It's answering the middle child's question about who will care for her if mom and dad die.
It's deciding how to discuss the conflict in Syria with a 10 year old.
It's walking the kids through the death of the family dog.
It's talking about why we don't do what the neighbors may be allowed to do.
It's the evening-telling-the-oldest-child-that-we-can-talk-about-the-temperature-of-the-core-of-the-sun TOMORROW.
The day is full of mothering. Lately, I feel like I'm drowning in mothering.
So what does a girl do when it's summer, the kids are all at home, it's hot, nerves are frayed, and the husband is traveling?
Yes, indeed we will make it to Bible study.
Topic. Faith in times of doubt.
The speaker was excellent. She was well informed and had a great delivery. I decided just to listen in the small group discussion, as I didn't feel like I had much to contribute that morning. I don't feel uneasy about my faith and I am not facing a particularly hard time.
We wrapped up. I packed up my things and was heading out.
One particular woman at our table (I'll call her J) asked me why I was so quiet. She asked if everything was okay with me. J has a way about her, and she has kept an eye on me in the past. I enjoy her company tremendously.
I briefly shared that I was just a little tired with the kids at home and the husband traveling, but nothing out of the ordinary. I felt a little challenged at finding the balance between loving kids with grace and forgiveness and holding them accountable for things they should be doing. She gave me some encouraging words, as she always does.
I went home that day a little more at peace. I always do when I spend time in the company of other women walking in the faith with me. After lunch and settling kids into the afternoon enforced quiet time, I made a cup of coffee and headed to the office.
I've been working on my first at-home Bible study by Robert McGee, The Search for Significance. It has taken me some time, but I have found it to be extraordinary and life-changing.
I was looking at different scriptures and trying to paraphrase them.
And the words lept off the page. Lept.
Floodgates open.
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10 NIV)
I am God's workmanship.
He created me.
He creates good things.
He created me to do good things.
He created me to be a mother to my children.
In a flash, I realized how much energy I have been spending doubting.
"What if I'm not enough for my kids?"
"What if I fail to teach them everything they need to know?"
"What if I put the emphasis on the wrong things?"
"How can anyone possibly get this parenting thing right?"
How could I be filled with such doubt to believe that God would mess up the creation of me?
And the second wave hit me. Our children.
Our children are His workmanship.
He created them.
He created them to do good things.
He created them for a purpose.
Again, doubt has dominated my mind and my heart.
"What if they fail out of school?"
"What if they don't make friends?"
"What if they walk away from their faith?"
How could I be filled such doubt to believe that God would mess up the creation of our children?
So I returned to my questions.
Clearly, I was asking the wrong questions.
Of course I will fail my husband and my kids at times. I will fail my family and my friends sometimes. I will fall short of God's perfection. My children will fall short and they will fail.
But finally, I get that doesn't change how much I am loved. It doesn't change how much they are loved.
In the midst of the days, be they filled with great challenges or small, He is there. My compass, my navigator, and when I just allow it, my peace.
